First I'd like to put a few of my own rules out there for dates, blind or otherwise.
1: leave the name, number, car model, license plate(if you can get it), name of restaurant, if you've met online their user name, physical description, parents heritage, home town, blood type and dental records with a close friend or 3.
2: since smart phones are the way of the world, send your location from your phone to the previously mentioned 3 friends.
*Sidenote: it's a good idea to start a group text with your gals pals, they can blow up your phone with randomw excuses and emergencies, which we will get to.
3: take mace or pepperspray with you, please always do this, ladies and gents! Everyone needs some sort of protection and you can't quite carry an handgun in most states (I will get into further detail in a later blog).
Ok, on to the awful date. You've met Jimmy online. He seems nice, slightly nerdy and very hot. Ryan Gosling hot. Channing Tatum and Ryan Gosling hot. Or maybe you're more of a Chris Hemsworth gal, he's that hot. You've talked for three weeks. He knows about your cats and hamster. You know about his cheating ex. He told you his favorite movies are by John Hughes, you immediately created a montage of the two of you in various scenes from Pretty in Pink, The Breakfast Club and St Elmo's Fire. You told him that you live strolling downtown on Saturday nights.
You don't really, you were just listening to a song by Lady Antebellum and it fit the convo.
So after three weeks, your choice to wait, he asks if you'd like to grab some froyo and go for a stroll. Eeeeeeee! Uh, yes!
You consult with your gals and find the perfect strolling attire and footwear. He picks you up and you head downtown, about 10 min away from your place. He mentions this, it will be the first of many clues that he slips about going back to your place.
Once the two of you arrive downtown he parks his car a bit further away, no scratches, right?! You go to froyo. As you walk in he looks around: "49 cents and ounce, damn." You blush a little and ignore this remark. You get your froyo, but obviously now you don't even think about toppings other than nearly weightless sprinkles.
So onto the stroll, Jimmy doesn't have much to say that doesn't end with some sort of offensive remark. As you walk down the street, you notice other couples holding hands, and you make sure you have a firm death grip on that yogurt container. He asks you what you do for a living and when you tell him, he interrupts you to show you how stupid something is across the street. Ugh, you roll your eyes and know it's time to send an SOS out.
Bringing out your phone for no reason is a bit rude and that's the last thing you wanna do, even of he's incredibly crude. Here's how to ditch the douche!
1: you have to use the restroom, NOW! Find the nearest public bathroom and tell the girls to start their engines, and come get you. If they don't respond right away that's ok, turn your ringer on, help is on the way.
2: once you've rejoined your never to be paramore, you have a headache, backache, toothache, some sort of pain. Oh, he has Tylenol, well isn't he sweet. He reaches for your hand and offers to get you some water or take you home and take care of your aches and pains. Groan!!! Now you're gonna be sick.
3: as you continue walking disagree with everything he says. If he likes coffee, hate it. He says fall is his favorite season, you only like summer. Put your hands in your pockets and walk in front of or behind him.
4: DING DING your girlfriends have answered. They'll be there in 15 min. Not the end of the world. He says he's tired of walking and wants to cuddle. Don't fall for it. You want out of this date. He doesn't want to cuddle, but you start walking back to the car. Then you say oh no, my aunts third cousins dog has an emergency. He offered to take you home, and winks at you. Vomit!
Just then, as though it was planned all along a burgandy mini can whips down the street. The door is thrown open while it barrels towards you. You smile, oh girls, you know me so well. You jump in as it slows down. Bye Felicia!
4: pick up wine on the way home and discuss in detail the three times he tried to kiss you and talked about how he works on his car all day since he got fired.
Bye Felicia. A date is a date, but if it's terrible get out of it. You don't have to run away, you can say I think this isn't going well. And it's perfectly fine to say that at any point of the date.
