I Will Not Sink

Cry, let the tears fall and cry

Feel them rushing down your face

Feel the pain, the sadness

Lay down and let it circle you

Close your eyes and feel the tears

Then get up, it's a sinking ship

You felt the pain, a real sting

Stand, taller than before

It's going down fast, run

Climb up, back to the top

You felt the sadness, the sorrow

But as it sinks, let it go

You're stronger now, from tears

You know what you don't want

So go get what you do

You'll be done with sad tears

I have an ouch!

Lately I feel as though I complain too much about my condition, my pain. I know many people are sick of hearing about it. Well, I'm sick of feeling this way. 

I went to the ER for the first time on Sept 15 of this year  and again the very next day. After two cat scans, two blood tests and pumping me full of pain killers, I was sent home without a resolution and I remained in pain.

Last month I went to my doctor twice. I had a full physical, full blood work, two ultrasounds and still nothing to explain the pain.

Now, I keep saying pain and that's a bit vague. There is a sharp/stabbing pain over each ovary and around my entire uterus. Now this sharpness is not similar to regular menstrual cramps. It feels like I'm being cut open with a jagged, rusty machete, that just came out of a fire and at the same time straight alcohol is being poured on my wound. Constantly. 

I didn't know if I should write about it. What will that solve? Probably not much, but it makes me feel better emotionally. The pain is starting to get to a point that I can't go a day at work without sitting down for hours. I work at Sunglass Hut, there are no chairs, it's a standing all day job. More recently, I haven't been able to sleep more than 3-4 hours at a time without pain killers. This is emotionally and physically draining. 

When I first saw my doctor, a suggestion, not diagnosis, was made that I might have endometriosis. It's not something to be excited about but I was relieved to have an idea of what was going on. I read about it and I was ready to say having a child may not be for me and to move on with my life. Then my ultrasound came back and nothing was wrong. NOTHING!!! 

At this point I'm so completely frustrated that I do not care if the only way to relieve this pain is to have a hysterectomy. I'm young, but I can adopt and I won't want a family if I'm in so much pain I can't even stand. I don't know what else to do. Mortrin and muscle relaxers provide little relief. I have been praying everyday for a resolution. 

Again, I feel like all I do is complain, I'm sorry.