This morning I had a brief meltdown. Actually, it was probably the shortest meltdown I have ever had. Those who know me well, know that I meltdown a lot. I'm a sensitive type, and I have tears a plenty. So, this morning the weight of all the stress I have been feeling lately hit me like a ton of bricks. I will be 29 in 5 months and to be honest I think it freaks me out more than the fact that 30 will be one year closer. I thought by now I would have it all together. I'd have a career and I would need to live paycheck to paycheck. I would have a car that doesn't shake uncontrollably at every stop. I thought I would be married with kids. I thought I would have been published by now.
Instead I have a nice job in retail, currently one of the slowest industries. A vehicle that I shouldn't talk about too loudly or it might hear me through these thin apartment walls and decide to fall apart while I'm in it. And I have a wonderful boyfriend, though I don't get to see him very much. A few years ago I did sell a couple articles to AOL, but nothing really came from that.
I know I am responsible for the choices I've made that have brought to where I am. Although, I did not decide or approve of the shutdown of two former employers. So, there were a couple things out of my control.
As I sit at the kitchen table and write this, my cat Dundi has found a reusable Trader Joe's bag from the hallway and has become a bag zombie: jumping around the apartment in the bag terrifying the dogs.
How do I get out of this rut and into the real life? Or am I already there and this is what my life will be?
After I had my meltdown, I turned into McDonald's. Not for food, but for a Coke. I knew I needed something to calm my nerves and it did the trick. A large Coke. The only problem with having a large soda for the first time in a long time is that when it's done, it tastes like more. At the time I was driving, so I put on an album that I usually turn to when I feel my "quarter-third life crisis" coming on. It's Hanson's Underneath: Acoustic album. The first song seemed to sum up the way I've been feeling perfectly. Hanson can always do that, though.
"I don't feel myself today, just a figure in a big monopoly game,
struggle is the price you pay, you get just enough just to give
it away."- Strong Enough To Break
Now a siren of some sort can be heard outside and Lucky is laying on the couch, lazy as ever, howling at it ever so softly. Almost as though he can't muster the energy to lift his head to properly howl.
I know things can seem dull and disoriented. Especially with this weather. I'm grateful for the rain, but my mood has shifted as well. But I want my break. I want my day in the sun. I want everything to come together and for life to be on my side rather than against me. So, this month I have fearlessly started and will proudly finish two books. I got off to a late start but, even if it kills me and it might, I will have two full books written by 11:59pm of February 28th, 2014. OK, I'm kinda scared now.
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