Good Morning, Third Life Crisis!! or Why Don't I have it Together by Now?

This morning I had a brief meltdown. Actually, it was probably the shortest meltdown I have ever had. Those who know me well, know that I meltdown a lot. I'm a sensitive type, and I have tears a plenty. So, this morning the weight of all the stress I have been feeling lately hit me like a ton of bricks. I will be 29 in 5 months and to be honest I think it freaks me out more than the fact that 30 will be one year closer. I thought by now I would have it all together. I'd have a career and I would need to live paycheck to paycheck. I would have a car that doesn't shake uncontrollably at every stop. I thought I would be married with kids. I thought I would have been published by now.

Instead I have a nice job in retail, currently one of the slowest industries. A vehicle that I shouldn't talk about too loudly or it might hear me through these thin apartment walls and decide to fall apart while I'm in it. And I have a wonderful boyfriend, though I don't get to see him very much. A few years ago I did sell a couple articles to AOL, but nothing really came from that.

I know I am responsible for the choices I've made that have brought to where I am. Although, I did not decide or approve of the shutdown of two former employers. So, there were a couple things out of my control.

As I sit at the kitchen table and write this, my cat Dundi has found a reusable Trader Joe's bag from the hallway and has become a bag zombie: jumping around the apartment in the bag terrifying the dogs.

How do I get out of this rut and into the real life? Or am I already there and this is what my life will be?

After I had my meltdown, I turned into McDonald's. Not for food, but for a Coke. I knew I needed something to calm my nerves and it did the trick. A large Coke. The only problem with having a large soda for the first time in a long time is that when it's done, it tastes like more. At the time I was driving, so I put on an album that I usually turn to when I feel my "quarter-third life crisis" coming on. It's Hanson's Underneath: Acoustic album. The first song seemed to sum up the way I've been feeling perfectly. Hanson can always do that, though.

                          "I don't feel myself today, just a figure in a big monopoly game,
                            struggle is the price you pay, you get just enough just to give
                           it away."- Strong Enough To Break

Now a siren of some sort can be heard outside and Lucky is laying on the couch, lazy as ever, howling at it ever so softly. Almost as though he can't muster the energy to lift his head to properly howl.

I know things can seem dull and disoriented. Especially with this weather. I'm grateful for the rain, but my mood has shifted as well. But I want my break. I want my day in the sun. I want everything to come together and for life to be on my side rather than against me. So, this month I have fearlessly started and will proudly finish two books. I got off to a late start but, even if it kills me and it might, I will have two full books written by 11:59pm of February 28th, 2014. OK, I'm kinda scared now.

Just your average smokey, Saturday afternoon

I had an eventful Saturday afternoon:

I'm in the living room watching Psych on Netflix when I smell something burning. I jump up and make sure I've turned off the oven and the burners. All off, rice is slightly burnt, but not enough to cause alarm. I head back to the couch and notice that my bedroom is filled with smoke. I immediately start to panic. I rush to the bedroom and look around. No sign of fire. I unplug the air freshener from the wall, but it doesn't smell like what I've been looking for. I go next door to ask my neighbors if they smell anything. Nothing from their apartment, but when they walk into mine they also notice the haze and smell of something burning. We begin to knock on neighbors doors, but no one will answer. I call the property manager, again nothing. I call my friend next door to see if she's close to home and she is. She and her husband come into the apartment and by this point the smoke is so thick I dial 911.

After giving the operator a rundown and my location, she tells me to evacuate as soon as possible. I throw the leashes on the dogs and head to the hall closet for pillow cases. Luckily both cats were on my bed, so wrangling them into the pillow cases wasn't too much trouble. My friend has already taken the dogs, so I grab my cats, purse and laptop, take a quick look around and grab the quilt my mom made me and I leave with the front door open. At this point, I felt almost completely robotic. Now, thinking about it, I could have grabbed a few more important things, but my main concern were the pets. I handed the cats and my keys off to my friend who placed the cats in the car.

Two fire engines pull up and I start to shake and get a bit more anxious. I direct them to my apartment. The windows and door are open at this point and the smoke has started to clear, not before burning my eyes, though. They ask me a series of questions and look through my apartment. I text my boyfriend that my apartment might be on fire. I don't really know what else to do. One of the firemen went into the attic to see what was going on. Neighbors have filled the parking lot. For the first 15 minutes or so, the firefighters say they can't find anything. Then the one in the attic has someone go around to the back and they find the source. My AC/heating unit has burned up a belt and was only getting hotter. They shut it off. I'm a bit relieved because for a while it seemed like they didn't believe me. The AC/heating unit could have gotten hotter and with the smoke it caused, actually started a fire.

Its been about two hours since I thought my home was going to burn to the ground and I still feel uneasy. I don't think anything has ever scared me so much in my life. My friend asked why I put the cats in pillow cases. I told her I remembered reading about something about fire safety and if you have cats that's the easiest way to rescue them. I think my sister and I need to come up with a better plan, in case something does happen. i encourage everyone to have one as well.

Fire Escape Planning

Home Fire Prevention

A Slow-mo Moment

I was taking my dogs for their morning walk today when I had one of those slow motion moments. You know the kind. Something happens and everything slows down, your voice, your movements, your reaction time. It was something like that.

When i take the dogs out I like to have music, but I cannot stand to wear ear-buds. So I just turn my phone  up, loud enough to hear but not disturb those around me, and toss it in my sweatshirt hood. It usually works great. I did that today, and 45 minutes into the walk all was fine, until I had to be a responsible pet owner. Lucky, my wonderful Boxer, decided he had to poo. So, I waited and with doggie bag in hand proceeded to clean up. That's when it happened. Can you guess what happened next? I'll give you a hint: gravity. Oh, Gravity, thou art a heartless jerk. As I bent down, my phone rocketed out of my hood, over my head and down my arm to the smelly pile on the ground. Everything slowed.
"NO," I screamed. I jerked my body up, trying to catch the device. It was no use. My hands fumbled towards the phone and all I could do was watch. It must have been the longest 5 seconds of my life. I couldn't move, at least I don't remember moving. I closed my eyes.  And then "doink". I looked down and my phone missed what would've been a disaster by about half and inch.

I sighed heavily, put my phone in a safe pocket and went about my business. We finished our walk and the rest of the album. It was "Some Nights" by Fun. Whew!

A call for submissions is a call for panic

About 20 minutes ago I received an email to submit several pieces of writing. Yes!! I was so excited I hopped off the couch and opened my laptop. It could not load any slower. I'm serious, it felt like a year. As soon as I get the web page open and begin to fill out my submission form, I'm filled with hope, with pride, with an amazing sense of accomplishment. I'm ready to attach files. I open the drives and . . . . nothing. My work is not where I remember leaving it. I frantically search through everything on my computer. Nothing. My sense of pride is gone and i feel some choice words filling in my throat. Where are they? WHERE ARE THEY? I scream, the dogs look up. I apologize. I run to my room. Where is it? Where is it? Where is it? I can't find my usb drives anywhere. NOOOOOOOO! Wait, I left them in a dish by the door. Of course, why wouldn't I leave two very important usb drives by my front door, especially when I put my keys there everyday, for almost two years now, and lose them. I grab them and place them in my laptop one at a time. Nothing. Nothing. I try again, maybe the universe is fooling with me. Nothing! I'm beyond angry. I have a third usb stick. It's shaped like a surf board. That must be where I put all the important work that I didn't want to lose. Ah, relief in knowing where to find "my precious" work....

But where did I put the drive?

If there is a lesson to be learned here, it's that the second things fall are about to fall together, you need to work painfully hard to keep them from falling apart. And it would help to be very organized. 

I have 5 days to find this surf board contraption. 

I've been so busy with work and moving that I've had no time to write.

Blah blah drug

I love when the legal commercials come on tv. You see, I don't think they make much sense, but that's just me. For the most part they are all the same: "last year 350 deaths were attributed to blah blah drug, so I'd you or a loved one has developed lung cancer, kidney failure, extreme headaches and or death call us and them law firm to fight your case. You could win thousands."
I know the first thing I will do when I've died because of some shotty drug is call a lawyer. Who doesn't want a corpse calling them to say: "hey I saw your ad and yea blah blah drug killed me. I'd love to meet with someone, but it'd be best if you came to my home. You know, the cemetery."

Sweet Dreams

Another poem written ages ago. It stems from what I can kinda consider my only break up. But regardless it was still painful.

Sweet dreams

You don’t get to see me cry, my tears are not your souvenirs, you didn’t hold me tight when you lied, you weren’t there to love me when you cheated, I won’t give you the joy of watching me crumble like sand to the ocean, see this edge, I walked away because I’m like you, I can pretend it never mattered to me just like a river in another country that has yet to run dry, as you pull away know you were never part of me when you were inside my own, and now with a widowed heart and a shattered mirror I look foreword and away from the blood you bled when I bit your lips goodbye, sweet dreams liar of my heart

Megan Elizabeth Brown

3/8/07

Dont spike the punch

I wrote this a while ago, but now I feel like sharing everything!

Don’t spike the punch (your mama)

Don’t spike the punch, your baby sister’s gonna drink it tonight, don’t you know where she goes when your mama turns out the light, though the streets are filthy and the night is dark, she finds her way to the alley, she flirts and she works, and she needs to fight them off, so don’t spike the punch, your baby sisters gonna drink it tonight, in the morning she’s tired and can barely study, but her guilt helps the bills get paid, if your mama put the bottle down and gave half a care, your baby sister could be pure today, so, don’t spike the punch, your baby sister’s gonna drink it tonight, don’t you know where she goes when your mama turns out the light.

Megan Elizabeth Brown

3/30/07

recently

Ally and I went to San Francisco a couple of weeks ago



and this was the best thing we saw . . . .

What's up duck?

yeah, so I did see "he's just not that into you". Another movie about my life. I've been watching one movie in particular over and over though. But I'm ready to announce it to the world yet.

Started a new book based on the inspiration of the current book I'm reading, well the two current books.

Got in a pretty bad car accident last week. Not so good. Ally's 21st is coming up that should be buckets of fun. And thats about it. For now anyway.