20 Something

So, I've been reading (yes I know, shocking isn't it!) this book that isn't really telling me what to do as much as help me figure out what I want and how I want to do it. If that makes sense, read on. I've been struggling with this kind of large concept that I just can't seem to get me head around. It's gotten to the point that I am nearly panicking at the mere thought. I feel a bit unaccomplished. I am nearing 23 and the 5 year mark from high school graduation. Kids I babysat are graduating. How'd that happen? My peers are getting married off, making partner, graduating and have one job that pays the bills. Not to mention those of them having . . . not puppies, no they got puppies awhile ago, but babies. Yes. I'm at a place where I can see the future as it relates to the summer, but everything else is a complete blur.
Okay, so that's my current crisis: the 20 something crisis. Now I know what I want to do, err what I don't want to do. I don't want to finish school, at least not now. I don't want to continue living in my parents house for the rest of my life. And I don't want to move half way around the country for a change of scenery when I like California.
So, now that all of that is on the table, here's how I'm changing my life. Well for one I'm going to start living it. No more sidelines for Brownie. When I want something, I'll find a way to get it. This does not mean that I'm going to become some self centered-materialistic-plastic swiping-skinny shopaholic. It means that this is my one short life. And I am going to live it. I've already started to take charge of my health. Allergies aside, I am so glad to be healthy again. I've realized how unfond, if that's a word, of ER's I am. yea, not a good place to be, but some cool scars to show for it. I've also decided that i am the one who made myself fat. Yep that's right, I've finally found the culprit. So, I've already taken action to fix that. I took some rather revolting pictures of myself, just as a bit of encouragement. They will most likely NEVER reach the Internet, at least not for a while. Like when I'm skinny and can physically show how mush of an improvement I have made! Okay, so I am also going to do everything. Well, everything that interests me at least. May will be the Kick off of my website, where all things brownie will be in one fantastic home. This blog and my promotional myspace will be connected. I'm very excited about that. Okay, well I'd better skedaddle because Kim Possible is on and my tummy is a bit grumbly.
I'm still kinda looking for Mr Right! As in I'm not conducting interviews or looking/taking out adds, but if he happened upon my life then YAY! So if you see him, you can send him my way, or not. And if he happens to be a certain lead singer-guitar player-former drummer-Prince fan- music producer-genius-and PW's best friend, then that might be alright too!

A song by me: The truth hurts worst of all

The truth hurts worst of all

Tell me the truth was I ever the one with you, when you smiled said “this is nice”, and made me laugh about a trip to Rome, I’ll tell you where to roam and how to get there, just be lucky I’m no Carrie, if I were you’d be sorry, your problems are much more than I’d ever want to deal with, dealing drugs and pedaling hookers would be easier, easier for me to understand, and then the pain wouldn’t be real, but real it is, so I’ll find another man, a better man a real man who can love me, really love me and has more to give me than I know what to do with, without, withhold, withheld a love not really more lust and so hot one touch could have ruined me, could have made me marry you prematurely, not without pain and knives sharpened to sting hard and cut fast, cut you off.

Megan Elizabeth Brown
3/9/07

Again with the distraction

I'm so easily scatterer brained sometimes. I got on the Internet twenty minutes ago to look for something rather quickly, didn't find it and proceeding somewhere else. I then organized my favorites and checked out a few blogs that i subscribe to. Then I thought, hey i haven't posted anything in quite sometime, so here I am. I woke up today with a short mental list of things to do. I have to work in just a few hours and surprisingly my list is checked off completely. But then you know how you add to any list you make? Well, I'm there. I boxed up all the clothes from my closet that i either haven't worn in over a year or are just too hot to wear currently. In doing so I created a 3 foot gap in my closet so it will be easier to store all the clothes that usually find a home on the floor of the closet or in a pile my my sewing machine. So, now I'm working on that. Speaking of sewing machine. I'm successfully wearing a skirt that I hand made and designed. Whoo-Hoo!!! I look foreword to all the possibilities the sewing machine will bring. I have a few patterns/material sets cut out for more skirt, blouses, purses, and dresses. Yay! Pictures will be up soon. Also I have an amazing hoodie that I'm working on. Alright enough stalling, I have clothes to hang and more scattering to do. Enjoy life!

decisions

so I've been fiddling around in my head. kinda dangerous, but oh, well. I've decided that I have to basically invent my dream job and hope that somehow I make it into a living. SO eventually, within the next few months this blog will be combined with my youtube.com account and my promotional myspace.com account to go on to bigger and better things, until then a random video here and there as well as some writings.

a poem by me was named lalalalala at one time but the new title is better suited for it

Without a parachute

Right now I’m a twenty something with many paths to take
I’ve struggled and now on the correct main path I’m not sure where to go
This is the point in life when no one tells you what to do
Most people want you to have some sort of trophy
Some way to say you’ve been somewhere
I’ve no prize for the learning curve I’ve driven
I’ve just a long list of the roads I’ve taken
Good advice I can give
And things that would end wrong I can foresee
The pain that we cause ourselves
I can tell you how to avoid
People tell me “oh I’ve heard that situation would be bad”
I can tell you exactly what will happen
Take four shrinks and pills every shade of the rainbow
I know what will come out of the machine
I’ve worked for lies and corporations
Governments and secret societies
Now that I’ve found myself
I’m no longer searching for something to fill a void
Right now I’m just longing for all my struggles to pay off
I’d hate to have suffered for nothing but vanity
Blood sweat and endless tears have left my body in near shock
The friends that used to come save me got tired of being used
Until now I didn’t know what it meant to live and give to others
But how do you just break in and make that difference
I don’t care too much for fortune and fame as much as I do for hope
I’ve let the battle wage on inside long enough
Without a fall back, I’m jumping from safety and routine

Megan Elizabeth Brown
9/06 and 3/13/07

a poem by me

Unforgotten

To be foreseen is different
From the shallow
Grave you lie in
You were never at the back
Of the class, end of the list
Unforgotten, despair took over
The tangled web you had
Constructed when rain
Came shelter was no
Friend to you now you
Dare to ask me of
All the betrayed to
Help unearth your
Now fragile once golden
Body and lead you to
A life I’ll show you how
To lead honestly
Move with passion and force
Gentle to a lasting touch
But what if for an
Instant my gaze is
Not upon you
Will this old dog continue
Ancient deadly tricks
Don’t touch me as I
Walk away from the
Grave you lie in
Leave your eyes open tight
The dirt might sting

Megan Elizabeth Brown
9/06

A song by me

World Outside

A world outside full of promise and lies and “if you stay the night, I’ll be sure to stay for now”, kind of sick and twisted vows, a place born to fall apart, with a mouse click to find a heart, and everyone I thought I loved gave me no reason to wake up daily, iced coffee, sweet dreams, divas flying high in a place of make believe and nobody lied, so I rose and wrote letters to my lovers, who only print the words I can’t stand to hear, I fall hard into this world of fear and loneliness, would you, would you, have you ever thought of something other than that piece in your pants needing satisfaction, the love-em and break-em, beat-em and thieve-em kind of boy, who broke through a window to hide from his own demons and then became mine, go back outside to a world filled with promising lies and hearts only too willing to give you less than you deserve

Megan Elizabeth Brown
3/8/07

Running around in circles

I’m as unorganized as I ever have been. So. I honestly don’t care. I look at my messy room and desk and agree that something should be done. But I just don’t feel like doing anything, yet. If I keep the door closed no one has to look at it anyway. And my dogs like me just as I am. Isn’t that what matters??? Okay, so I will tidy up a bit, but what should I do with all this stuff. I have tons of stuff. Stuff I want to throw away, give away, recycle, and such. So I start moving things around, I turn them into piles: RECYCLE, DONATE, TRASH, STORAGE, DESK/FILE, CLOSET. Yes that should be good. So now I have all this stuff “categorized” into six piles. Now I’m tired of cleaning and I think I’ll watch a season of Friends, perhaps season 4. But the piles are on my bed and in front of my book shelf. Okay that’s fine everything is already in piles anyway. So I move the RECYCLE and DESK/FILE piles back to my desk, I put STORAGE and CLOSET in open combined pile in the actual closet. I move DONATE back to where most of the stuff came from in the corner. And I actually walk down stairs and throw away the trash piles, because lets face it no one likes trash. I’m thirsty, so I think I’ll get a drink of water. Oh! On my way to the trash can I find a few boxes in the garage that will definitely help me get “organized”. So I get my drink and start to head back up stairs. A quick glance at my sleeping puppy sidetracks me and I sit down in the living room and start to go through a couple of piles in the living room. Hey! This is stuff I was looking for (4 magazines, endless pieces of mail, a couple pair of shoes, a sweater, sunglasses, and the black purse I tore up my closet searching for.)! this is great. I’ll just fill up these handy boxes and take them up stairs. Alright! Where should I put all this stuff from downstairs in the boxes from the garage that I got to help organize what was already in this room to begin with? Well, when I moved the STORAGE and CLOSET piles I made a small walk way on the floor. That looks like a good spot. Okay, now on to Friends season 4. Wait, wow! This room is kind of messy. I’m pretty unorganized. I don’t care I can still get to my DVD player. But really the desk is kind of distracting, maybe I should pick things up a bit . . . . .

Come on, who else cycles through this!

Current Obsession: Nine In The Afternoon

I’m not bashful about it. I love Panic At the Disco. Yes, there was a time when I couldn’t stand to even look at those sweet babyish faces, but I don’t know. I kinda just let myself get lost in everything that was hidden in the lyrics and every note. So, it’s no wonder that I’m captivated by “Nine In The Afternoon.” I have to say that this is not all my fault. I actually first heard it on someone elses MySpace page and stole it from him: John Keefe.
Anywho, this song, for some reason really speaks to me. It makes me want to wake up at nine in the afternoon. I know that if anyone takes the lyrics quite literally then they’ll just think I’m a nut case. But really, think about it and listen. It’s marvelously, ridiculously addicting and perhaps one of the best songs I’ve heard this year. At least as far as Panic goes!!

It's about time . . . I guess

This is something I'm not sure if I want to share with the rest of the world. But then again, I'm not sure many people read my blog anyway. Tonight, I'm sad. I'm truly sad and I don't know how to fix this, for the first time in my life I can't fix my problems. I've never dated. I've never had a boyfriend. I'm 22.5 years old and past the age both my older sisters were engaged/married. Some people have said to just enjoy my single life. I'm free and can do anything I want. I do want a career, I want to travel and have a lived life. But I want someone to do that with. I'm a homebody more than anything I guess. I want to get married. I want to have a family. I want that. I really do. I'm not looking for safety and security. I want love and I want to live in my own home with my husband. I don't want to continue passing my peers who are married and some with children. I don't understand what is so wrong with me that I can't find someone. I'm pretty. I have a great figure, sure a few extra inches here and there but I look good. I like the way I look. I'm a fairly confidant woman. I walk into venuse to see somone perform and i own the place. Seriously, peopel have asked me who I work for or if I'm with the band. Thats how I carry myself. So, where is my prince charming, huh?