I Will Not Sink

Cry, let the tears fall and cry

Feel them rushing down your face

Feel the pain, the sadness

Lay down and let it circle you

Close your eyes and feel the tears

Then get up, it's a sinking ship

You felt the pain, a real sting

Stand, taller than before

It's going down fast, run

Climb up, back to the top

You felt the sadness, the sorrow

But as it sinks, let it go

You're stronger now, from tears

You know what you don't want

So go get what you do

You'll be done with sad tears

I have an ouch!

Lately I feel as though I complain too much about my condition, my pain. I know many people are sick of hearing about it. Well, I'm sick of feeling this way. 

I went to the ER for the first time on Sept 15 of this year  and again the very next day. After two cat scans, two blood tests and pumping me full of pain killers, I was sent home without a resolution and I remained in pain.

Last month I went to my doctor twice. I had a full physical, full blood work, two ultrasounds and still nothing to explain the pain.

Now, I keep saying pain and that's a bit vague. There is a sharp/stabbing pain over each ovary and around my entire uterus. Now this sharpness is not similar to regular menstrual cramps. It feels like I'm being cut open with a jagged, rusty machete, that just came out of a fire and at the same time straight alcohol is being poured on my wound. Constantly. 

I didn't know if I should write about it. What will that solve? Probably not much, but it makes me feel better emotionally. The pain is starting to get to a point that I can't go a day at work without sitting down for hours. I work at Sunglass Hut, there are no chairs, it's a standing all day job. More recently, I haven't been able to sleep more than 3-4 hours at a time without pain killers. This is emotionally and physically draining. 

When I first saw my doctor, a suggestion, not diagnosis, was made that I might have endometriosis. It's not something to be excited about but I was relieved to have an idea of what was going on. I read about it and I was ready to say having a child may not be for me and to move on with my life. Then my ultrasound came back and nothing was wrong. NOTHING!!! 

At this point I'm so completely frustrated that I do not care if the only way to relieve this pain is to have a hysterectomy. I'm young, but I can adopt and I won't want a family if I'm in so much pain I can't even stand. I don't know what else to do. Mortrin and muscle relaxers provide little relief. I have been praying everyday for a resolution. 

Again, I feel like all I do is complain, I'm sorry.

How to Get Out of a Bad Date

Oh a bad date. We've all been there. They're awkward, there's a lot of silence, and you'd rather eat a fist full of sand than continue on with the person next to you. Well, running away is just plain rude, leave that as a last resort.

First I'd like to put a few of my own rules out there for dates, blind or otherwise. 

1: leave the name, number, car model, license plate(if you can get it), name of restaurant, if you've met online their user name, physical description, parents heritage, home town, blood type and dental records with a close friend or 3.

2: since smart phones are the way of the world, send your location from your phone to the previously mentioned 3 friends.

*Sidenote: it's a good idea to start a group text with your gals pals, they can blow up your phone with randomw excuses and emergencies, which we will get to.

3: take mace or pepperspray with you, please always do this, ladies and gents! Everyone needs some sort of protection and you can't quite carry an handgun in most states (I will get into further detail in a later blog).

Ok, on to the awful date. You've met Jimmy online. He seems nice, slightly nerdy and very hot. Ryan Gosling hot. Channing Tatum and Ryan Gosling hot. Or maybe you're more of a Chris Hemsworth gal, he's that hot. You've talked for three weeks. He knows about your cats and hamster. You know about his cheating ex. He told you his favorite movies are by John Hughes, you immediately created a montage of the two of you in various scenes from Pretty in Pink, The Breakfast Club and St Elmo's Fire. You told him that you live strolling downtown on Saturday nights.

You don't really, you were just listening to a song by Lady Antebellum and it fit the convo.

So after three weeks, your choice to wait, he asks if you'd like to grab some froyo and go for a stroll. Eeeeeeee! Uh, yes!

You consult with your gals and find the perfect strolling attire and footwear. He picks you up and you head downtown, about 10 min away from your place. He mentions this, it will be the first of many clues that he slips about going back to your place. 

Once the two of you arrive downtown he parks his car a bit further away, no scratches, right?! You go to froyo. As you walk in he looks around: "49 cents and ounce, damn." You blush a little and ignore this remark. You get your froyo, but obviously now you don't even think about toppings other than nearly weightless sprinkles. 

So onto the stroll, Jimmy doesn't have much to say that doesn't end with some sort of offensive remark. As you walk down the street, you notice other couples holding hands, and you make sure you have a firm death grip on that yogurt container. He asks you what you do for a living and when you tell him, he interrupts you to show you how stupid something is across the street. Ugh, you roll your eyes and know it's time to send an SOS out. 

Bringing out your phone for no reason is a bit rude and that's the last thing you wanna do, even of he's incredibly crude. Here's how to ditch the douche!

1: you have to use the restroom, NOW! Find the nearest public bathroom and tell the girls to start their engines, and come get you. If they don't respond right away that's ok, turn your ringer on, help is on the way.

2: once you've rejoined your never to be paramore, you have a headache, backache, toothache, some sort of pain. Oh, he has Tylenol, well isn't he sweet. He reaches for your hand and offers to get you some water or take you home and take care of your aches and pains. Groan!!! Now you're gonna be sick.

3: as you continue walking disagree with everything he says. If he likes coffee, hate it. He says fall is his favorite season, you only like summer. Put your hands in your pockets and walk in front of or behind him. 

4: DING DING your girlfriends have answered. They'll be there in 15 min. Not the end of the world. He says he's tired of walking and wants to cuddle. Don't fall for it. You want out of this date. He doesn't want to cuddle, but you start walking back to the car. Then you say oh no, my aunts third cousins dog has an emergency. He offered to take you home, and winks at you. Vomit! 

Just then, as though it was planned all along a burgandy mini can whips down the street. The door is thrown open while it barrels towards you. You smile, oh girls, you know me so well. You jump in as it slows down. Bye Felicia! 

4: pick up wine on the way home and discuss in detail the three times he tried to kiss you and talked about how he works on his car all day since he got fired. 

Bye Felicia. A date is a date, but if it's terrible get out of it. You don't have to run away, you can say I think this isn't going well. And it's perfectly fine to say that at any point of the date. 

It's a Date...I Think

Recently I had someone tell me about how frustrating it was for him and several guys he knew to date girls. I asked him to elaborate, as I think going on a date is actually quite simple.

I was told that it wasn't the date itself, it was the waiting for sex. 

EXCUSE ME?!?!

After a couple dates, I do understand that it could start to get expensive. But Guys, get creative. Have you heard of Pinterest? I have a whole board for you to check out. 

When I go out with a guy, although I sure as hell deserve it (as any woman does), I don't expect flowers, movies and a steakhouse. More than anything I expect a great conversation and good company. I would never turn down flowers, or diamonds, or baseball tickets, though.

Before I get off topic, let me just explain what I took away from that conversation: I'm not worth the price of dinner to a guy. I need to sleep with you for you to want to take me out. Well, what am I getting out of the deal? Are you that amazing? Will I faint from kissing you? No, I didn't think so.

This is why, though a date is quite simple, I hate dating. It can be fun to get to know a new guy and discover all kinds of great things you have in common. But the pressure of sex can ruin any new relationship. 

If I'm not worth the price of a meal to you, then get lost buddy. It's fun to flirt, but I'm quite busy and I can buy my own dinner.

(Found on Pinterest)

How To Ask A Guy Out...

There has been some controversy as to whether you (the girl) should wait to ask the guy out. It's a modern world, Women run Fortune 500 companies, and we're expected to just wait around for some numbskull guy to ask us out.

And before I get into the detailed instructions, I'd like to go over what it means to be asked or do the asking.

Now, I'm no angel. I've fallen victim to "let's hang out" and "let's meet up"! Shame, shame, you know my name. But what does it really mean to go out anymore? I've been taken to the movies and to dinner, I assumed we were on a date. Isn't that what we were taught as kids?! But apparently, that's not the case any longer. With smart phones in the hand of almost every American male, a girl is lucky to get half of his attention. But ladies, this goes the same for you. Quit snap chatting, unless you see a rad mullet or you won the lotto, it can wait. 

Another ploy that I've run into is "let's watch a movie". Now this one confuses me. I actually like to watch movies and tv. So if a guy wants to come over and watch the latest episode, or Horrible Bosses, I'm like "dude, let's go! I got a popcorn maker, beer, and a comfy blanket. Let's do it." And then I come to find out it's code for sex. Well, I'm about to watch this movie, that's my agenda.

Ok, so to ask a guy out, ladies, you need confidence! You're a freakin amazing creature with power. There is no reason a guy would'nt want to go out with you. So, Goddeses, here are the steps I take!! 

(Please do not take this seriously or act out in real life, I am an expert!)

1. Text approach: whether you're texting everyday or once in a while, hit him up now. Ask about him. What's new in his life? How's work? What political choices will he be making in two weeks? Does he dress up for Halloween? 

All good? Great. Now tell him your plans for the evening or weekend. Wait about 10-15 min and then have your plans fall apart. Your stupid friends are flaking and you're so bummed. Man, it sure would be nice to have dinner or drinks with someone tonight..... He should ask you out right then and there. If that doesn't work, don't fret. Those friends didn't really flake so grab them and head out without the loser.

2. Give your phone to your friend and have her text him straight up: let's go out tonight/tomorrow/soon. If that doesn't work, don't fret. You're gal pal won't let you see that movie alone. Don't forget to pick up candy beforehand. 

3. Casually go to his work. You need a new phone, car, dog sweater, or pair of Nikes for your grandma. If he doesn't have the type of job that allows for stalking, I mean "shopping", that's a pickle, get creative.

Him: "Oh, hey, what brings you in to a store you've obviously never shopped in before?" 

You: "hi, um, I need a present for someone." 

Him: "who?" 

You; "my neighbors aunts dog had puppies!"

Him: "uh...ok. We sell luggage. Are you taking a trip?"

You: "no, why? are you?"

Him: "uh, so what's new?"

You: "not much, just thinking about seeing that new (hot chicks name) movie. Have you seen it?"

Him: "no, but I want to."

You: "great, me too, it's playing at 8:40, see you then"

RUN!

Maybe these haven't worked out for you. It helps if he goes along with the script, but don't force it. Lastly, try this:

4. Go to his house. By now there has got to be an app to find his address with a phone number. Do that. Pull right in front. Leave the engine running, and doors unlocked, oh, also only do this in the dead of night in dark clothing. Knock! Knock again and again. When he answers place a bag over his head and zip tie his hands. Drag him to the car and head to Vegas. Make sure you bring his ID. 

Hey, he didn't ask you out! 

If all else fails or you are too chicken to go through with any of the above, call/text/email/snapchat: hey, let's go out! I asked, you plan!😘

Accidentally on Purpose

Was that really an oops,

Or do I need to find a way to lose you

If I were psychic, I could say

I've seen the future and 

You are not the father 

of my unborn children

But so many years ago

I dreamt of your eyes

I dreamt of your warmth

I dreamt of your name

And even the way holding

Your hand has felt

But what do I know of the future

And what did I change in the past

A dream is but a dream

And something forced is not

Worth something that should be

Something fun, true, and easy

So maybe it wasn't an oops

But maybe you're not the only oops

It could be my code to take away

The lonely nights I always have

Or it could be attention I crave

I guess I'll always know

And you never will

10/11/14

MEB

Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

I'm a 29 year old female in America. Of course I'm looking for a mate. A man to be my husband and the father of my children. But more importantly a man to offer me what I cannot find within myself. Something that I don't have and cannot get without him. The world: I have my own, he can live in it. Sex: I'm good. Money: I have a job and the means to earn income. A car: well if it's better that my little rinky dink we'll talk. But I still want something else. Something that I can't get from my girlfriends or family. I don't know how to explain it, but Bono said it right "I still haven't found what I'm looking for." 

Maybe soon.

Called

Monkey See Monkey Do Monkey Miserable

I've been working the retail game for sometime now and I honestly do feel like a monkey in their show. Holidays, what are those?! Weekends, never heard of them. A day when my phone doesn't go off, well, had hell frozen over yet?! 

I do provide fantastic customer service. That's is something that I am very proud of. Rarely do I get a complaint, and if I do it's not because of my service, it's a policy, lack of merchandise or the customer wanting something that is impossible. 

I'm also aware that my current state of unhappiness is in my hands. If you don't like something, change it, right?! 

I had a conversation with one of my uncles this past Saturday. He worked at a newspaper for 30 something years and he said he loved it. "I would have done it for nothing, if I could have lived off of nothing." That's the kind of job I want. I don't want to hit snooze and dread the rest of my day. 

On the morning of my 12th birthday, I woke up with an entire tv series in my head. It was creative, I felt like I was on fire. So I wrote it, with the help of one of my older sisters(who will have her first book published this going January). It felt amazing. I knew then that my calling was the written word.

So why have I abandoned my dream, my passion, the thing that makes me truly happy?! To work for the man and pay my bills. To make money for everyone but myself. Today that comes to an end. I'm not saying that I'm gonna walk our and quit today. But soon my office will be on my lap and I will find out how it feels to be alive and on fire with a dream. My dream. 

I will live to write and write to live, and I won't regret a thing.

Good Morning, Third Life Crisis!! or Why Don't I have it Together by Now?

This morning I had a brief meltdown. Actually, it was probably the shortest meltdown I have ever had. Those who know me well, know that I meltdown a lot. I'm a sensitive type, and I have tears a plenty. So, this morning the weight of all the stress I have been feeling lately hit me like a ton of bricks. I will be 29 in 5 months and to be honest I think it freaks me out more than the fact that 30 will be one year closer. I thought by now I would have it all together. I'd have a career and I would need to live paycheck to paycheck. I would have a car that doesn't shake uncontrollably at every stop. I thought I would be married with kids. I thought I would have been published by now.

Instead I have a nice job in retail, currently one of the slowest industries. A vehicle that I shouldn't talk about too loudly or it might hear me through these thin apartment walls and decide to fall apart while I'm in it. And I have a wonderful boyfriend, though I don't get to see him very much. A few years ago I did sell a couple articles to AOL, but nothing really came from that.

I know I am responsible for the choices I've made that have brought to where I am. Although, I did not decide or approve of the shutdown of two former employers. So, there were a couple things out of my control.

As I sit at the kitchen table and write this, my cat Dundi has found a reusable Trader Joe's bag from the hallway and has become a bag zombie: jumping around the apartment in the bag terrifying the dogs.

How do I get out of this rut and into the real life? Or am I already there and this is what my life will be?

After I had my meltdown, I turned into McDonald's. Not for food, but for a Coke. I knew I needed something to calm my nerves and it did the trick. A large Coke. The only problem with having a large soda for the first time in a long time is that when it's done, it tastes like more. At the time I was driving, so I put on an album that I usually turn to when I feel my "quarter-third life crisis" coming on. It's Hanson's Underneath: Acoustic album. The first song seemed to sum up the way I've been feeling perfectly. Hanson can always do that, though.

                          "I don't feel myself today, just a figure in a big monopoly game,
                            struggle is the price you pay, you get just enough just to give
                           it away."- Strong Enough To Break

Now a siren of some sort can be heard outside and Lucky is laying on the couch, lazy as ever, howling at it ever so softly. Almost as though he can't muster the energy to lift his head to properly howl.

I know things can seem dull and disoriented. Especially with this weather. I'm grateful for the rain, but my mood has shifted as well. But I want my break. I want my day in the sun. I want everything to come together and for life to be on my side rather than against me. So, this month I have fearlessly started and will proudly finish two books. I got off to a late start but, even if it kills me and it might, I will have two full books written by 11:59pm of February 28th, 2014. OK, I'm kinda scared now.